the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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