i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
