i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
