I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
