the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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