Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
