No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
the condom got lost in my hair
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
