Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
