turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
