i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
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