It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
