So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
