He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
