I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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