pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
