I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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