whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
My life is pants optional.
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