i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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