he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
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