I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
