She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
