If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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