If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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