Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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