He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
