Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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