I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
