Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Randomize
