Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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