just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
