I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
