And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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