A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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