Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
