she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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