Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
