There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You pole danced in your parka.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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