i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Help. Why am I so naked?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
