We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
