I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Watching her eat just hurts me
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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