brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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