God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
