you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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