she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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