I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
