I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
