Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
