I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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