I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
