if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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