I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
